HOW TO BE THAT TRAVELER

Airports and airplanes are humanity’s grandest experiment in patience. As a lifelong people-watcher and unapologetic judger of travel etiquette, I’ve seen things—oh, I’ve seen things. From the mildly irritating, to behavior that belongs on a viral TikTok compilation, the variety is astonishing. Here’s my lovingly compiled list of travel etiquette crimes—because if we’re all going to survive these tin can rides together, some of y’all need to do better. These may be controversial, petty, and maybe unbothersome to many of you BUUUT are you the one writing this article?! Nope.

1. SECURITY CHECK – PLEASE listen to the *usually yelling* TSA agents as they explain what needs to come out of your bag, if shoes need to stay on, if jackets need to be taken off, if liquids should be removed and placed in a bin or if your suitcase needs to be directly on the conveyor belt. Somehow there’s always that one person who gets to the conveyor belt and BOOM, it’s a pop quiz. Really? You didn’t know your 32 oz. oversized bottle of shampoo would cause a national security meltdown? Pro-tip: Prepare yourself while you’re still in line! If you’re holding us all up, I will sigh dramatically.

2. BOARDING LANE BLOCKERS – Every boarding process is the same: Groups or zones are announced in an orderly fashion. And yet, there’s always that one over-eager Susan from Zone 6 clogging the boarding lane while First Class tries to get through. Relax, Susan. Your middle seat between two armrest hogs will still be there. Please step aside and let the people board. I understand the dreaded “full flight, you will have to check your bag at the gate.”  It is an awful feeling, especially if you have a connecting flight. But if you let the attendant know about your connecting flight, they’ll usually allow you to bring it on board and find a place for it.

3. SLOWPOKES – You’ve seen them: the group that walks five people wide, dragging 32 pieces of luggage like they’re in a parade. Meanwhile, the rest of us are speed walking like we’re late to the Olympics. “By all means, move at a glacial pace…you know how that thrills me.” (SLAY if you know where that iconic line is from…I quote it more often than I’d like to admit). Rule of thumb: Walk on the right, pass on the left, and for the love of all things holy, don’t stop in the middle of the walkway! If you do, I reserve the right to accidentally roll my suitcase over your ankle.

4. KIDS: The Seat-Kickers of Doom – Babies crying on planes? Not an issue. They’re babies, they don’t know better. In fact, props to every brave parent hauling tiny humans at 30,000 feet. But bratty older kids kicking my seat, yelling at full volume, and treating the cabin like a Chuck E. Cheese? No thanks! Where are the parents? Oh, that’s right—they’re pretending their feral child doesn’t exist and that it’s not their problem for whatever hours remaining on the flight (of course there are exceptions for some kiddos). Is that controversial? Oh well, someone has to say it.

5. OVERHEAD LIGHTS – I love a red eye flight! Sleep, listen to music or podcasts, and watch movies then BOOM, you’re at your destination! If you have ever been on a late or overnight flight, you know that the plane pretty much shuts down for a few hours while everyone snoozes. There’s always that one person with the overhead light on, reading or doing something. If there is one thing they cannot read, IT’S THE ROOM. I get it, they paid for their seat and can do as they please, but let’s be just a tad courteous of the people sleeping next to you.

6. THE STAND UP CROWD: Sit Down, Simba – The plane touches down, and within nanoseconds, there’s a symphony of seatbelt clicks and people scrambling to stand. Calm down, folks. The doors haven’t even opened – and we’re all exiting row by row anyway. Unless you’re about to miss a connecting flight and you need to sprint to another gate…I will most certainly let you go ahead of me. I have missed a connecting flight and it is a gut punch when you have been traveling all day. If so, speak up!

7. NOT SO HAPPY HOUR – We’ve all done it, a celebratory drink before boarding. A glass of wine on the plane to help you sleep, a beer with the meal. Yes, totally fine. IF YOU ARE SLURRING AND STUMBLING onto the plane like it’s the last call at Margaritaville, we’ve got a problem and you need to reevaluate your life choices. Not only is it a poor decision to be hammered in a shared space for 1-6 hours…it’s rude. It’s also not healthy: increased dehydration, increased alcohol potency due to altitude, slower recovery, potential for blood clots, etc. Not a good idea.