THE 12 DAYS OF CHRISTMAS

The holidays. A time for joy, for family, for… existential dread?

When I was young, the holidays used to be the time I looked forward to the most! The twinkling lights, the abundance of food, and, of course, the gifts! As I grew older, to my now-current, ripe age of… umm, my now-current age, the festive season isn’t what it used to be. Suddenly, it isn’t a quaint carol; it’s a 12-day descent into holiday hell. Let me break it down, for your amusement (and perhaps, commiseration):

Day 1: A Partridge in a Pear Tree: Not a cute bird, but a distant aunt or ‘Tita’ (in my native language), who insists on regaling me with tales of her “wonderful” children, all of whom are apparently destined for Nobel Prizes and Olympic gold. I mean, “yay” to you, but to each our own life, yeah?

Day 2: Two Turtle Doves: My inner monologue, having a heated debate with itself about whether to feign enthusiasm for the upcoming holiday get-together dinner and receive the “much anticipated” fruitcake that my Tita made (Dandandan! Woohoo!) – such excitement, or not?

Day 3: Three French Hens: The three awkward silences that occur during any family or get-together dinners, punctuated by the desperate clatter of silverware. Especially this year, given the recently concluded election… ho hum.

Day 4: Four Calling Birds: The four different versions of the same family story, each more embellished than the last. Tell me again… how do rumors and gossip suddenly develop arms, legs, and wings? THIS. This is how it happens.

Day 5: Five Golden Rings: The five pounds I mysteriously gain from indulging in holiday treats (and stress-eating). I give myself grace, tremendous grace, during this season… I deserve all these yummy foods, please!

Day 6: Six Geese a-Laying: The six different requests for holiday photos, each with increasingly bizarre demands (“Can you make me look taller?” “Can you remove that double chin?”). I am no magician, nor a cosmetologist, so sorry!

Day 7: Seven Swans a-Swimming: The seven frantic trips to the grocery store, mall, and all sorts of stores while dodging hordes of panicked shoppers and singing carols off-key. I admit I am guilty of this, since I haven’t started on my list at all! Talk about procrastinating!

Day 8: Eight Maids a-Milking: The eight different “helpful” suggestions on how to improve my love life from well-meaning relatives. I’ve endured this for such looong years, but this year, I can finally tell them that I have found THE ONE, THE ONLY, and THE FOREVER!!! Cheers to LOVE <3

Day 9: Nine Ladies Dancing: The nine hours I spend untangling Christmas lights, cursing their existence with every fiber of my being. Because tell me why we need lights in all places that I thought were nice? Me and my ideas get me in trouble I swear…

Day 10: Ten Lords a-Leaping: The ten different times I must explain to my husband that Santa Claus isn’t real (only to be met with suspicion and a healthy dose of eye-rolling). LOL, let him indulge in his childhood beliefs.

Day 11: Eleven Pipers Piping: The eleven different jingles that get stuck in my head on repeat, driving me to the brink of insanity. Last Song Syndrome!

Day 12: Twelve Drummers Drumming: The twelve hours of holiday music that blare from every store, radio station, and neighbor’s house, turning me into a Grinch. Not to mention my husband’s car playlist, which has been Holiday music since the day after Thanksgiving! How many times can you listen to Santa Baby in one lifetime?

So, there you have it. My 12 Days of Christmas: a hilarious (and slightly tragic) ode to the holiday season. For those who really know me, they know that I love love love this season. For I firmly believe that the season brings out the best in us, in humanity and in the world in general. Perhaps a quite naïve take? But yeah…I do.

Disclaimer: This is, of course, mostly in jest. I do, in fact, enjoy many aspects of the holidays. Mostly the eggnog. And maybe the presents. Most definitely the presents. Yep! For real!